I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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