I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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