Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
So all semester this guy and girl have been talking, and today is the last class and we are doing nothing. I would have skipped but I want to see if he seals the deal or pusses out. It's like a season finale.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
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