My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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