If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Randomize
