you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
If I die, sorry about rent.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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