Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Randomize
