all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
