my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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