He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
