He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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