It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize