did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Randomize
