we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Randomize
