fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
