we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
You need Xanax blowdarts
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
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