we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
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