I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Randomize
