She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
