I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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