It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
