i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Randomize
