Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
i think i scared a bird with my dick
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
