I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
