I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Randomize
