I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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