May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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