Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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