Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
