This girl added me on fb and has all these pics of her kissing her little brother saying i will love you forever. I'm creeped out.
maybe it's her son
thats not any better.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
