the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize