I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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