i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
