You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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