just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
