i think my tv is drunk
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
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