dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
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