this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
