Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
