...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize
