I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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