just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
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