Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
