You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
Randomize