my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
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