some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
I've decided through careful research we can out drink any country folk.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
