Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
I need to align my fucking chakras
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Randomize
