You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
Randomize
