k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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