soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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