Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
