You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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