Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Randomize
