How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
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