Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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