Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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