i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
Randomize
