totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
