She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
Randomize
