On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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