I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
Randomize
