A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
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