Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
Randomize
