He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
