I was born with a shot glass in my hand
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Randomize
