I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Randomize
