I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
My cat gives me a boner
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
