Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
