currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
